Okay- you want to make some changes in the new year, and change is good indeed. Will this be the year that you make the changes stick? Will this year be the year it finally happens- you lose the weight, find your passion, quit the bad habit, have a peace filled family life, pay off the debt, connect with friends more often, be balanced at work and home, etc.
In my practice I've seen people make remarkable changes, often because they are in a place of pain and it hurts too much to keep doing the same thing. I've watched families that typically yell and use anger as a way to communicate shift to understanding and listening, I've seen sibling who act out to get their needs met learn how to ask for what they want, I've witnessed adults make leaps in expressing their feelings in an authentic self-honoring way.
There are may theories of change and motivation for change, yet beyond the theories I believe there is truly one simple way that people make and sustain change (see 1. below for the answer).
Most people come to therapy or decide "enough" and commit to making a change when things are really uncomfortable. I don't believe that you need to be in pain to make changes, but I feel like we are such creatures of habit that we are pretty likely to continue to do the same thing over and over, longing for different results and finally we become so uncomfortable with the incongruities of what we desire, that we seek change. Here's the interesting part, often when people come to therapy it is because they see someone else as the problem (i.e. my child acts out, my parents are frustrating me, my spouse is unreasonable). You may see the problem as being outside of you or a behavior that you do (drinking, overeating). So you focus on fixing what you believe is "wrong" thinking I'll lose the weight then I'll be happier, when my spouse changes I'll feel better, when my parents stop nagging me I'll be more content, when my children stop yelling then we'll have more joy in our family. Yes, these are based upon external situations, and more than likely will not lead to sustained changes.
Here are 6 ways to create lasting positive changes in the new year:
1. Self love-
You must honor and respect yourself enough to make whatever changes you desire a priority. When you act from a place of self-love you put your needs first, you lovingly set boundaries with others, and you are kind and gentle with yourself even when you don't make the changes you desire. When you act from a place of self-love you know that external changes will not make you more fulfilled, happier, sexier, peaceful. Rather, your self-love, appreciation, gratitude will help lead to change externally. You love others enough to know that what you desire may be different from what they desire, and that's Okay.
2. Clear goal-
Make it a simple goal, one you can achieve. Perhaps break it down into a short-term goal (over the next 30 days) and a long term-goal (over the next 3 months).
3. Take action-
Be realistic and ramp up slowly. If your family yells as a way of getting their needs met, it's pretty unrealistic to expect to not argue at all. Instead look to make small changes, such as, we will only argue 1 time a day, or next time I argue I will not say mean comments. Then increase the duration you'll go with out fighting and the intensity- do these small steps over the next 30 days and you'll see changes without feeling overwhelmed.
4. Learn new tools-
There is a belief in Choice Theory that our behaviors are meeting our basic needs and we will not make a change unless we substitute it with a new behavior that meets our needs. So you may want to find a new behavior that replaces the old behavior you are letting go of. If you are looking to make changes in your relationships then reading books, taking a class, or going to therapy will give you new tools to replace the old way of behaving. If you are making changes in your life-style find other ways to meet your needs (i.e. instead of retail therapy meet a friend for lunch).
5. Get support and accountability-
When you share with others your intentions you become accountable and this is often a way to sustain change over the next 30-days. So tell others whom you can trust to be supportive of your goals, and then tell them what kind of support you'd like. It's frustrating if your friend calls to give you a 'loving kick-in-the-pants' when all you really want is for them to ask you how you're doing. So ask for how you'd like to receive your support.
6. Be kind-
There will be good days and bad days. There will be times when you make small steps towards your goals, and times when you don't. Remember the first rule- LOVE. If you are critical, unloving, and disrespectful of the times when you don't follow through then really there is no point in trying to make changes, because what you really need to work on is your internal stuff, not external! So be kind, know that everyone who tries new things flubs up and it's all part of the learning process. You are not here to do things perfectly. You are here to do your best, to be kind and loving with yourself, and to be compassionate to others.
Want to use the art to affirm the changes you are making? Create a self love and support collage. Use words and images that are reminders of your goals and of being kind and gentle with yourself along the journey.
During this time of year many people need more support. Immediately access parenting resources to help children and teens you can download right now and use to help your child! You can lean more here. Archive for the ‘Parenting Tips’ Category
Is this the year when things will finally be different?
December 28th, 2011Okay- you want to make some changes in the new year, and change is good indeed. Will this be the year that you make the changes stick? Will this year be the year it finally happens- you lose the weight, find your passion, quit the bad habit, have a peace filled family life, pay off the debt, connect with friends more often, be balanced at work and home, etc.
In my practice I've seen people make remarkable changes, often because they are in a place of pain and it hurts too much to keep doing the same thing. I've watched families that typically yell and use anger as a way to communicate shift to understanding and listening, I've seen sibling who act out to get their needs met learn how to ask for what they want, I've witnessed adults make leaps in expressing their feelings in an authentic self-honoring way.
There are may theories of change and motivation for change, yet beyond the theories I believe there is truly one simple way that people make and sustain change (see 1. below for the answer).
Most people come to therapy or decide "enough" and commit to making a change when things are really uncomfortable. I don't believe that you need to be in pain to make changes, but I feel like we are such creatures of habit that we are pretty likely to continue to do the same thing over and over, longing for different results and finally we become so uncomfortable with the incongruities of what we desire, that we seek change. Here's the interesting part, often when people come to therapy it is because they see someone else as the problem (i.e. my child acts out, my parents are frustrating me, my spouse is unreasonable). You may see the problem as being outside of you or a behavior that you do (drinking, overeating). So you focus on fixing what you believe is "wrong" thinking I'll lose the weight then I'll be happier, when my spouse changes I'll feel better, when my parents stop nagging me I'll be more content, when my children stop yelling then we'll have more joy in our family. Yes, these are based upon external situations, and more than likely will not lead to sustained changes.
Here are 6 ways to create lasting positive changes in the new year:
1. Self love-
You must honor and respect yourself enough to make whatever changes you desire a priority. When you act from a place of self-love you put your needs first, you lovingly set boundaries with others, and you are kind and gentle with yourself even when you don't make the changes you desire. When you act from a place of self-love you know that external changes will not make you more fulfilled, happier, sexier, peaceful. Rather, your self-love, appreciation, gratitude will help lead to change externally. You love others enough to know that what you desire may be different from what they desire, and that's Okay.
2. Clear goal-
Make it a simple goal, one you can achieve. Perhaps break it down into a short-term goal (over the next 30 days) and a long term-goal (over the next 3 months).
3. Take action-
Be realistic and ramp up slowly. If your family yells as a way of getting their needs met, it's pretty unrealistic to expect to not argue at all. Instead look to make small changes, such as, we will only argue 1 time a day, or next time I argue I will not say mean comments. Then increase the duration you'll go with out fighting and the intensity- do these small steps over the next 30 days and you'll see changes without feeling overwhelmed.
4. Learn new tools-
There is a belief in Choice Theory that our behaviors are meeting our basic needs and we will not make a change unless we substitute it with a new behavior that meets our needs. So you may want to find a new behavior that replaces the old behavior you are letting go of. If you are looking to make changes in your relationships then reading books, taking a class, or going to therapy will give you new tools to replace the old way of behaving. If you are making changes in your life-style find other ways to meet your needs (i.e. instead of retail therapy meet a friend for lunch).
5. Get support and accountability-
When you share with others your intentions you become accountable and this is often a way to sustain change over the next 30-days. So tell others whom you can trust to be supportive of your goals, and then tell them what kind of support you'd like. It's frustrating if your friend calls to give you a 'loving kick-in-the-pants' when all you really want is for them to ask you how you're doing. So ask for how you'd like to receive your support.
6. Be kind-
There will be good days and bad days. There will be times when you make small steps towards your goals, and times when you don't. Remember the first rule- LOVE. If you are critical, unloving, and disrespectful of the times when you don't follow through then really there is no point in trying to make changes, because what you really need to work on is your internal stuff, not external! So be kind, know that everyone who tries new things flubs up and it's all part of the learning process. You are not here to do things perfectly. You are here to do your best, to be kind and loving with yourself, and to be compassionate to others.
Want to use the art to affirm the changes you are making? Create a self love and support collage. Use words and images that are reminders of your goals and of being kind and gentle with yourself along the journey.
During this time of year many people need more support. Immediately access parenting resources to help children and teens you can download right now and use to help your child! You can lean more here. Got Holiday Bad Behaviors?
December 20th, 2011
Got holiday bad behaviors? Your child has been whining, demanding, having meltdowns and tantrums, acting out of control, and school is off and you're wondering, now what? Don't worry here are some tips that will help your child manage bad behaviors during the holidays and help you stay sane!
1. Cut back on the sugar- If your child has been stuffing cookies and candy canes into their mouth it's time to limit the sugar. This simple tips will dramatically impact your child's behavior and prevent sugar highs and crashes. Instead have on hand healthy snacks in a cooler to prevent the hunger meltdowns that happen when your child's blood sugar is low.
2. Create a schedule- Without an understanding of what's expected for them for the day and week they will likely feel unsettled and more easily act out. Let them know what will be happening and when, and post the holiday schedule to a white board or calender where everyone can see it.
3. Limit transitions- Transitioning from store to store or house to house can be stressful for children. They often lack the verbal capacity to tell you, "Hey mom, I'm really tired right now and I don't want to go to another store" ,and if they did tell you that would you listen and respect their request? Know that children will act out if they are tired or overwhelmed, so limit your "to-do" list if your child is showing signs that they are tired and stressed out.
4. Get active- Power down the technology and head out for a walk or swing on the swing set. Build a snowman, go to the park, take a walk. These help your child expel their energy in positive ways, otherwise that pent up energy will be directed at their siblings and lots of yelling for mom!
5. Create calm down activities- Find activities that will help your child to self-soothe and relax. Take out the art supplies and make gifts for other family members, bake some cookies for an elderly neighbor, listen to soothing music. Help your child to regulate their mood and behaviors by teaching them ways to relax and self-soothe.
6. Take care of your needs- Ask your partner, a friend, or neighbor to watch the kids or take them out to see the lights. Use that time to renourish, take a bath, drink some tea, watch the fire, or read a book. You'll find that when you are calm and centered it will be much easier to deal with the holiday bad behaviors when they occur.
During this time of year many people need more support. Immediately access parenting resources to help children and teens you can download right now and use to help your child! You can lean more here . Stress-free holiday: Don’t be fooled by these holiday myths
December 13th, 2011
Stress-free holiday, is it possible?
3- Step “Super Secret” Formula to finally get your kids (and spouse) to listen
November 1st, 2011
Does your child have trouble listening to you? Are you feeling like a broken record, asking again and again for what you want, and feeling like you are being totally ignored? If you’ve asked for what you wanted and everyone in your household seems to ignore your request you’ll likely get to a point where you begin to wonder, “why isn’t this working, why aren't they listening?"
You may begin to get to a boiling point, get mad, throw a fit, threaten, just give in and take care of it yourself, or complain about all that you do for everyone in the house. What you’ll likely find is that when you reach your boiling point and react (or just take care of it yourself while silently resenting your family members), others may for a short period of time take notice. Heck, you may even get your teen (or husband) to listen and pick-up their underwear off of the bedroom floor if you yell loudly enough, AND….
…you may be creating a pattern of negative behaviors to get your needs met. So your children and spouse continue to ignore your requests and pleas until you blow your top, then all of sudden they are listening, responding quickly and wondering, “What’s up with mom ?”
We know that children model their parent’s behaviors, so the last thing you want to teach your child is that ignoring and then overreaching is a healthy way to communicate. The best way to teach your child to listen, respect your requests, and to communicate in healthy way is to learn how to communicate your wants and needs in a healthy manner first.
You can use creativity to get back into you parenting authority, and here's a way you can do so. Create an image of something (or someone) that represent being empowered, strong, assertive, and clear. Take a minute to see what pops up for you. Now embody this! Wear it like a cloak and ground yourself in this image. When your child or spouse wants to "hook you into an argument" or they are ignoring your requests, connect with this empowering image before you respond. You'll respond from a centered more calm place; then you can use the 3- Step “Super Secret” Formula to ask for what you need! You can take this exercise even further and create an image of this and put it in a place where you'll see it often as visual reminder of being in your parenting power.
Drum roll please....I’m going to share with you my 3- Step “Super Secret” Formula to finally get your kids (and spouse) to listen.
- Validate your child’s feelings
- Use the assertive triangle to state how you feel and what you need. I teach that technique in the free audio-telesemiar Secrets Your Kids Really Don’t Want You to Know: A Child Art Therapist Tells All (*except for the confidential stuff) and you can access in the box above.
- Be clear of consequences and follow-through
Setting Up Children for Success
October 3rd, 2011"The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows."
~Sydney J. Harris
Join Candace Vorhaus and Dr. Laura Dessauer
for a 60 Minute Tele-Seminar
- If you have a phone, you're there! -
(Recording will be made available for download)
Wednesday October 19th, 2011
8pm ET/ 5pm PT
Fee: $47
Help Your Child be Successful Using the Unique Principles of Feng Shui & Art Therapy
In this 60 minute tele-seminar, Candace will share her C3D Feng Shui solutions to an environment that supports children to maximize their learning experience, increase self confidence, and get along better with friends and relatives. Did you know that the improper placement of a desk can cause children to go unnoticed, feel out of control, and cause an inability to see problems coming? Did you know that a bed in a poor position can cause anxiety, mood swings, headaches and insomnia? Did you know that a a door to a bedroom that is misaligned can create family conflict?
In the C3D Feng Shui portion of this tele-seminar, Candace will share:
The best desk placement to increase IQ- The most important bed placement to give children confidence
- A method for children to feel safe in their beds
- How to handle electro magnetic fields that can cause irritability, insomnia and increase stress
- An easy way to correcting beams, slants and poor door placements to avoid emotional instability and physical disorders
- The design details that can create a bully with simple environmental solutions
- A color palette to support children's success and happiness
Dr. Laura Dessauer, board certified art therapist, will teach Creative Parenting strategies from the Head and Heart System to help your child creatively manage their emotions and behaviors. She'll share with you her art therapy toolbox to help your child shift their behaviors, change communication patterns, and eliminate power struggles, meltdowns, and shutdowns to help your child feel happier.
With Dr. Laura Dessauer you'll learn:
- Creative strategies to help your child manage their behaviors and feelings.
- How to help your child shift behaviors and finally get your child to listen to you.
- What you may be doing (or not doing) that is negatively impacting your child and what you can do instead.
- Signs and signals that your child may need additional support and what to look for in a therapist or doctor to ensure your child is getting the best help.
Dr. Laura Dessauer's mission is to teach children, parents, and professionals creative ways to connect and communicate with respect and compassion, so children feel happier and more confident. As the founder of the Creativity Queen, LLC, Laura's a Board Certified Art Therapist with a doctorate degree in counseling psychology offering individual and family art therapy sessions and professional trainings. Laura has worked with families for 23 + years in over 21 school districts and she has been featured in Parent's Magazine, eHow Parenting, YourTango, FoxNews, PBS This Emotional Life, Working Mother, Head Drama, Gal Drama, and Psychology Today. Laura is recognized as an international presenter, esteemed clinician, author, and her business, the Creativity Queen, LLC, was the winner of the 2007 Small Business of the Year Award (SCORE).
Visit www.thecreativityqueen.com to receive your free audio mini-course Secrets Your Kids Really Don't Want You to Know: A Child Art Therapist Tells All (*except for the confidential stuff)
The process is easy:
After you register, you will be sent a conference call telephone number you can dial into and listen from wherever you are. After the call, you will be sent an audio file from YouSendIt.com within 24 hours.
Whether you are on the call live or prefer to listen at another time, a recording of the call will be made available to each participant to download to a computer or iPod.
Candace believes focusing on your personal space is the missing link to lifelong fulfillment and happiness. In her work with clients, Candace emphasizes C3D Feng Shui: Color, Clutter, Ch'i (life force), and Design. A classically trained interior designer with over 20 years experience, Candace is the recognized leading Feng Shui consultant in the world-famous Hamptons, also advising clients worldwide. Candace is also a well known heart-centered spiritual coach, and an original member of the International Association of Women in Business Coaching. Candace lives in Sag Harbor, New York, with her husband, Robbie, two children, and very cute dog, Ollie. For further information, contact Candace at: www.candacevorhaus.com Do You Rescue Your Child?
September 20th, 2011
[caption id="attachment_2442" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="How much support does your child need?"]
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If you have a relationship of any kind, with a spouse, friend, parent, or child, then you have encountered someone else making a decision you would never dream of doing. There is pain seeing that person making a choice your know in your heart is just not the "right" decision for them. Ironically, the closer we are to the person, the more we believe we know what's right for them, and often we will make comments or demands upon them, based upon our knowing what's best.
We would never dream of telling our co-worker what they are wearing is wrong and they should change, yet it becomes almost a duty to be hypercritical about what our spouse or children are wearing or doing. Often when tasks that are delegated to those in the household are not completed, we jump in to do it. Heaven forbid your child wear wrinkled clothes to school because they left their laundry on the floor.
Most parents who rescue fear what others might think or that things won't get done exactly right, or if they don't control the situation their child may fail or get hurt. Most people rescue because they love those around them and they don't want to see them hurt. However, rescuing sets up a whole new set of problems. The person you rescue doesn't get to learn from their actions. They don't learn how to self-correct, or make changes when they are off course, since they have had someone doing that for them. They don't learn how to overcome obstacles and when they do arise (and they always do) they are unprepared. I've had many young adults in my office who just didn't know how to handle tough stuff because their parents did it for them when they were growing up.
The question that most people ask is how do they know when to intervene. The first question to ask, is it a safety issue? Meaning if you don't intervene will someone get hurt physically? If it is a safety issue, step in and set a boundary. All other issues are not black and white. I love to challenging parents to talk out the choices and consequences with their children. For tasks such as homework and household chores personal accountability works wonders. Have a neutral discussion (without getting emotional about the topic) and develop a contract to help identify what will be done and what are the consequences. Contracts do work, when they are done right, meaning they are respectful of each person's needs and there is an incentive to change for both parties.
For things such as bullying at school or children who are having emotional problems a more supportive role is necessary. Parents often step in too early and attempt to stop bullying, which may cause more social problems for their children. Brainstorm with your child solutions, allow them to test some out before you become involved. If things continue to be a problem and it becomes a psychological safety issue, there may be a need for more direct involvement.
Encourage your child to take part in choosing their consequences; if they have done something wrong, ask them to come up with the consequences. You'll be amazed at how they will learn from this, with less tantrums and more personal accountability.
Here's the important part to remember, those who rescue others become resentful. They will do, and do, and do, and then finally get upset that everyone treats them disrespectfully and takes advantage of them. Stop the cycle of rescuing so you don't fall into this pattern, and you allow others an opportunity to learn.
Here's a creative activity to help you identify times when you rescue. Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side write the word rescue and on the right side write the word support. Fill in the page with images and words of times when you rescue (what you say and do) and what it might look like if you supported that person instead.
When you become aware of your tendencies to rescue then you can choose other ways you can support your child and other family members. If you or your child is in need of more support we can help. Click here to schedule your complimentary support consultation.
[/caption]
If you have a relationship of any kind, with a spouse, friend, parent, or child, then you have encountered someone else making a decision you would never dream of doing. There is pain seeing that person making a choice your know in your heart is just not the "right" decision for them. Ironically, the closer we are to the person, the more we believe we know what's right for them, and often we will make comments or demands upon them, based upon our knowing what's best.
We would never dream of telling our co-worker what they are wearing is wrong and they should change, yet it becomes almost a duty to be hypercritical about what our spouse or children are wearing or doing. Often when tasks that are delegated to those in the household are not completed, we jump in to do it. Heaven forbid your child wear wrinkled clothes to school because they left their laundry on the floor.
Most parents who rescue fear what others might think or that things won't get done exactly right, or if they don't control the situation their child may fail or get hurt. Most people rescue because they love those around them and they don't want to see them hurt. However, rescuing sets up a whole new set of problems. The person you rescue doesn't get to learn from their actions. They don't learn how to self-correct, or make changes when they are off course, since they have had someone doing that for them. They don't learn how to overcome obstacles and when they do arise (and they always do) they are unprepared. I've had many young adults in my office who just didn't know how to handle tough stuff because their parents did it for them when they were growing up.
The question that most people ask is how do they know when to intervene. The first question to ask, is it a safety issue? Meaning if you don't intervene will someone get hurt physically? If it is a safety issue, step in and set a boundary. All other issues are not black and white. I love to challenging parents to talk out the choices and consequences with their children. For tasks such as homework and household chores personal accountability works wonders. Have a neutral discussion (without getting emotional about the topic) and develop a contract to help identify what will be done and what are the consequences. Contracts do work, when they are done right, meaning they are respectful of each person's needs and there is an incentive to change for both parties.
For things such as bullying at school or children who are having emotional problems a more supportive role is necessary. Parents often step in too early and attempt to stop bullying, which may cause more social problems for their children. Brainstorm with your child solutions, allow them to test some out before you become involved. If things continue to be a problem and it becomes a psychological safety issue, there may be a need for more direct involvement.
Encourage your child to take part in choosing their consequences; if they have done something wrong, ask them to come up with the consequences. You'll be amazed at how they will learn from this, with less tantrums and more personal accountability.
Here's the important part to remember, those who rescue others become resentful. They will do, and do, and do, and then finally get upset that everyone treats them disrespectfully and takes advantage of them. Stop the cycle of rescuing so you don't fall into this pattern, and you allow others an opportunity to learn.
Here's a creative activity to help you identify times when you rescue. Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side write the word rescue and on the right side write the word support. Fill in the page with images and words of times when you rescue (what you say and do) and what it might look like if you supported that person instead.
When you become aware of your tendencies to rescue then you can choose other ways you can support your child and other family members. If you or your child is in need of more support we can help. Click here to schedule your complimentary support consultation.
Got An Out of Control Child? These 7 Tips Will Help Your Child
August 22nd, 2011
Are you worried about your child’s behaviors in public, are you tired of hearing negative comments about your child’s behaviors from family, friends, and teachers, does your stomach sink and you feel totally embarrassed when your child or teen starts to act out in public?
It seems rather crazy that restaurants, airlines, and public spaces would restrict children; isn’t that how children practice learning social expectations and rules? As an art therapist in private practice I see many families whose children have gotten out of control with their meltdowns and tantrums. These children act out in public spaces leaving parents feeling helpless, worried, and often walking on eggshells fearful of the next time their child will have an emotional outburst.
Here’s the thing, there may be something going on with your child that warrants additional support. Your child may have anxiety, explosive anger or mood disorder; or it may be something much more simple than that. It may be that your child has not learned ways to manage their behaviors and emotions.
Here are 7 tips to help your child manage their out of control behaviors.
1. You are the parent and your child is looking for you to set the rules and boundaries of what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. As a parent it’s your job to provide feedback to help your child become aware of their behaviors, and to offer your child support to help them connect and modify behaviors. Children learn from your actions and behaviors, so get crystal clear on what’s okay behavior and what is not.
2. Acknowledge their feelings. Often children are acting out because they are upset, bored, annoyed, nervous, mad, sad, excited, hungry, tired (among other feelings, needs, and wants). By identifying your child’s feelings and behaviors your child will become more aware of their own feeling, behaviors, and wants. For example a child who is clinging to you and interrupting you as you speak you can acknowledge their behaviors and feelings, “ I can tell you want my attention now, and what you have to say is very important, when I am done speaking then I can listen to what you have to say”.
3. Let your child know when they are acting inappropriately. When you notice the negative behaviors it’s time step in and let your child know what is expected. Be clear, direct, and assertive without becoming angry and aggressive. For example, “The sofa is not for jumping, please stop”.
4. Allow your child to self-correct. If it is not a safety issue give your child an opportunity to hear what you have requested. You may need to step closer, look into their eyes, put a hand on their shoulder, or meet them at eye level and state what it is that you want them to do, then give them a few seconds to process what is being requested.
5. If your child continues to act and disregard your request, it is time to step into your parenting authority. In a calm manner let your child know what the consequences of their behaviors will be if they do not stop. Do this is as calmly as possible. Recent studies in brain-based research suggest we mirror the emotional responses of those we are connecting with. Unconsciously (and at times consciously) children want you to be as upset as they are. By staying calm and in your parenting authority you unplug power struggles and help your child regulate their feelings and behaviors. By getting upset you fuel their emotional outbursts further.
6. Consequences need to be immediate and meaningful, and you need to follow-though. Here’s the tricky part for most parents, they may become so upset at their child’s behaviors that they make a threat that is unrealistic, like taking away the TV for a month. Then when parents are calm they realize it may be difficult to monitor the consequence, and they decide to lessen the consequences or never follow-through. Children are very aware and learn by your behaviors. When you do not follow-through on consequences they realize that your consequences are not to be taken seriously, and they disregard your requests.
7. If your child needs more support in helping them to change their behaviors then you can help by developing a positive rewards system for younger children and a behavior contract for tweens and teens. I have witnessed children make dramatic transformations in their behaviors with these strategies, and I‘ve seen these strategies flop. What makes these behavior agreements work is when parents and children both are invested and the goals are realistic and achievable.
I recommend these 7 tips to the families I work with and support them to create their own individualized strategies to best support their child to get back in control of their behaviors. If you are concerned about your child’s behaviors try these strategies and if your child continues to struggle, seek out support.
If you would like more tools and strategies to help your child join me, Dr. Laura Dessauer (the Creativity Queen), on the YourTango Facebook Fan Page Thursday, Aug 25th at 2:00pm EST. I’ll be taking over the page and answering your questions to best help your child. We’ll be talking about heading back to school, bad behaviors, tantrums, shutdowns and meltdowns, what to do if you have a child when needs extra support and lots more. I’m looking forward to sharing valuable insider tools that will help your child and family positively communicate and connect! 5 tips so your child doesn’t grow-up to be a jerk, brat, or bully
July 28th, 2011
I've been reading about about the recent no-children restrictions on airplanes and in restaurants. I think it’s an extreme response and feel that social situations are an opportunity for children to learn how to manage their behaviors in public and to develop social relationships, even when things don’t always go their way. Pick child-friendly venues such as water parks, the playground, family restaurants, the beach, or even at home in the playroom as opportunities to help your child learn appropriate social skills.
Many parent’s fear that their child may be left out or rejected by their peers or worry that their child’s behavior is not “normal” or typical. I want to share with you tips and strategies I teach parents and children during our child therapy sessions. These 5 tips will help your child have social success so they don’t grow up to be a jerk, brat, or bully.
1. Set boundaries: Your child needs to be told "NO" and as a parent it is important for you not to give in when they start to whine and beg. So when you go to the grocery store and they start to whine that they want a candy bar before dinner and you say "NO" watch how they respond, and what you do. If they blow their top with a melt-down do you give in and give them the candy bar so you're not frustrated and embarrassed? What lessons are you teaching your child (hint: have a fit and you'll get your needs met).
2. Give consequences: Children learn through experiences and every experience is an opportunity to learn how to cooperate, be flexible, and respect others. When your child acts out in a way that's inappropriate think of it as a learning opportunity. For example, when your child grabs a toy and hits his sister, what do you do? If you ignore it then it sends a message that the behavior is okay, if you grab your child and yell you send a message that it's okay to yell and grab. So think of consequences that can help your child learn new behaviors, such as speaking with your child and letting them know that their behavior is not acceptable and that the consequence is he will not play with his sister or the toy (be concrete and specific). Make sure the consequence is immediate and it is related, especially for younger children.
3. Do you rescue: When your child has a problem to you jump in to fix it? Yes, parent's want what's best for their children, but if you are always trying to solve their problems how will your child learn to deal with difficult situation? Ask them questions on how they could handle the situation and what they could have done differently and allow them an opportunity to explore their choices.
4. Watch your behavior: How do you respond when you get upset and things don't go your way? Kids model their behaviors from the adults in their lives, so don't expect your child to be calm and respectful if you are flipping another diver the bird or being rude to a sales person.
5. Create playing rules using this creativity activity: Brainstorm together with your child and have them come up with a list of positive behaviors or things they should do when playing with a friend or sibling. Then have them write the words and/or make images (depending upon their age and developmental stage). You can use markers, magazine picture, and words to reinforce the rules. Post these up at home or in the playroom and whenever your child starts to stray from the rules prompt them with a reminder “what are the rules” and give them an opportunity to self-correct. Your child will feel more invested in remembering and implementing the rules when they have taken the time to create and illustrate them.
These 5 tips will help your child create social success. Practice these with siblings and peers in locations where if your child becomes upset or overwhelmed you can help them manage their feelings and behaviors. If your child has difficulties managing frustrations and behaviors they may need additional support, and child therapy can help.
Are you worried about your child social development? Are you fearful that their social behaviors are not typical? Are you wondering if your child needs therapy and more support? We can help! Schedule a Complimentary Child Support Consultation and find out how we can help your child be socially successful. Tantrum-free vacations
May 23rd, 2011
Tantrum-free vacations: 5 creative tips to keep your sanity, travel with your children, and have a fun vacation, really!
You want to spend your vacation at a spa resort, your husband’s idea of a good time is a weekend at the golf course, and your kids can’t wait to test out the latest hot rides at the amusement park. Is there such a thing as a family vacation that makes everyone happy or are you destined to hearing the children grumbling from behind their DS, “are we there yet” while you’re refereeing their arguments from the front seat?
No matter what age your children are, from tots to teens, vacations can easily become hijacked by whining, pouting, and full out screaming from kids and spouses too. So how can you have a tantrum-free vacation, keep your sanity while traveling with your children, and actually have a fun time?
Try these 5 sanity saving tantrum-free traveling tips:
1.Pick vacations that will have something each family member can enjoy. No, you don’t have to sacrifice grown-up time to enjoy a happy family vacation. Choose a location that will have something for everyone, such as a family friendly cruise with kid themed activities and lots of adult amenities or the family resort with the water park that suits mom’s desire to shop and dad’s golfing needs. If you have more than one child share some special ” vacation alone time” with each child, where they can spend time with mommy or daddy doing an activity they choose.
2. Many children have a difficult time with transitioning, going from one thing to the next, and for some children a vacation is overstimulating. They may have a difficult time with loud noises, new experiences, or may be sensitive to moving from one place to another. Often tantrums or meltdowns are a child’s way of expressing that they are overwhelmed. A little preparation can help with the transitions. Share with your child images of where you are going and talk about what they will see and experience. They can even begin a scrapbook with images of their vacation before they leave and complete it when they return, so they have a feeling of control over the experience. Pack a few things in your child’s travel backpack that will help your child with transitioning and waiting, such as favorite music on their mp3, favorite DVDs, a new coloring book, or a new toy. Remember to always pack snacks and juice or water; a hungry kid is a cranky kid (and that goes for adults too).
3. Adults need fun too. Hire a babysitter for a night on the town and you will model to your children the importance of taking care of your relationship. Ask the concierge about the babysitting services the hotel provides or recommends, or you can google babysitting agencies such as http://www.sittercity.com/ and http://www.care.com/. Make sure that the sitters are screened for background checks, and that they are CPR and First Aid certified, then take some time to dance the night away. Also, book adjoining rooms for older children so you can have some alone adult fun time too.
4. Head off the meltdowns and tantrums at the pass. As a parent you notice the signs that a melt down is brewing. It could be whining, or attempts to agitate their siblings, and you know that these are the early warning signs that the tantrum storm is coming. Take a minute and breathe before you respond. Children pick-up on your emotional state and mirror it via the phenomena of mirror neurons, meaning if they are agitated then you are likely to mirror their emotional response, which only amplifies their tantrum. Research suggests taking a deep breath allows you to increase the flow of oxygen to your brain, whereby you’ll approach the situation from a calm and rational place, rather than reactive response. Take a breath, let your child know you understand how they feel, and then calmly talk with your child.
5. Take a break. Sometimes there is just so much that your child can experience in one day before they become overwhelmed. Create some downtime each day where they can just play in the pool or chill with their tunes. Be realistic for the developmental age of your child, and just how much activity is too much, and you will minimize exhaustion tantrums.
Vacations can be fun filled for the whole family when you use these sanity saving tantrum-free traveling tips.
This original article was modified and featured on YourTango http://www.yourtango.com/experts/how-plan-tantrum-free-family-vacation
You want to spend your vacation at a spa resort, your husband’s idea of a good time is a weekend at the golf course, and your kids can’t wait to test out the latest hot rides at the amusement park. Is there such a thing as a family vacation that makes everyone happy or are you destined to hearing the children grumbling from behind their DS, “are we there yet” while you’re refereeing their arguments from the front seat?
No matter what age your children are, from tots to teens, vacations can easily become hijacked by whining, pouting, and full out screaming from kids and spouses too. So how can you have a tantrum-free vacation, keep your sanity while traveling with your children, and actually have a fun time?
Try these 5 sanity saving tantrum-free traveling tips:
1.Pick vacations that will have something each family member can enjoy. No, you don’t have to sacrifice grown-up time to enjoy a happy family vacation. Choose a location that will have something for everyone, such as a family friendly cruise with kid themed activities and lots of adult amenities or the family resort with the water park that suits mom’s desire to shop and dad’s golfing needs. If you have more than one child share some special ” vacation alone time” with each child, where they can spend time with mommy or daddy doing an activity they choose.
2. Many children have a difficult time with transitioning, going from one thing to the next, and for some children a vacation is overstimulating. They may have a difficult time with loud noises, new experiences, or may be sensitive to moving from one place to another. Often tantrums or meltdowns are a child’s way of expressing that they are overwhelmed. A little preparation can help with the transitions. Share with your child images of where you are going and talk about what they will see and experience. They can even begin a scrapbook with images of their vacation before they leave and complete it when they return, so they have a feeling of control over the experience. Pack a few things in your child’s travel backpack that will help your child with transitioning and waiting, such as favorite music on their mp3, favorite DVDs, a new coloring book, or a new toy. Remember to always pack snacks and juice or water; a hungry kid is a cranky kid (and that goes for adults too).
3. Adults need fun too. Hire a babysitter for a night on the town and you will model to your children the importance of taking care of your relationship. Ask the concierge about the babysitting services the hotel provides or recommends, or you can google babysitting agencies such as http://www.sittercity.com/ and http://www.care.com/. Make sure that the sitters are screened for background checks, and that they are CPR and First Aid certified, then take some time to dance the night away. Also, book adjoining rooms for older children so you can have some alone adult fun time too.
4. Head off the meltdowns and tantrums at the pass. As a parent you notice the signs that a melt down is brewing. It could be whining, or attempts to agitate their siblings, and you know that these are the early warning signs that the tantrum storm is coming. Take a minute and breathe before you respond. Children pick-up on your emotional state and mirror it via the phenomena of mirror neurons, meaning if they are agitated then you are likely to mirror their emotional response, which only amplifies their tantrum. Research suggests taking a deep breath allows you to increase the flow of oxygen to your brain, whereby you’ll approach the situation from a calm and rational place, rather than reactive response. Take a breath, let your child know you understand how they feel, and then calmly talk with your child.
5. Take a break. Sometimes there is just so much that your child can experience in one day before they become overwhelmed. Create some downtime each day where they can just play in the pool or chill with their tunes. Be realistic for the developmental age of your child, and just how much activity is too much, and you will minimize exhaustion tantrums.
Vacations can be fun filled for the whole family when you use these sanity saving tantrum-free traveling tips.
This original article was modified and featured on YourTango http://www.yourtango.com/experts/how-plan-tantrum-free-family-vacation 
