Okay- you want to make some changes in the new year, and change is good indeed. Will this be the year that you make the changes stick? Will this year be the year it finally happens- you lose the weight, find your passion, quit the bad habit, have a peace filled family life, pay off the debt, connect with friends more often, be balanced at work and home, etc.
In my practice I've seen people make remarkable changes, often because they are in a place of pain and it hurts too much to keep doing the same thing. I've watched families that typically yell and use anger as a way to communicate shift to understanding and listening, I've seen sibling who act out to get their needs met learn how to ask for what they want, I've witnessed adults make leaps in expressing their feelings in an authentic self-honoring way.
There are may theories of change and motivation for change, yet beyond the theories I believe there is truly one simple way that people make and sustain change (see 1. below for the answer).
Most people come to therapy or decide "enough" and commit to making a change when things are really uncomfortable. I don't believe that you need to be in pain to make changes, but I feel like we are such creatures of habit that we are pretty likely to continue to do the same thing over and over, longing for different results and finally we become so uncomfortable with the incongruities of what we desire, that we seek change. Here's the interesting part, often when people come to therapy it is because they see someone else as the problem (i.e. my child acts out, my parents are frustrating me, my spouse is unreasonable). You may see the problem as being outside of you or a behavior that you do (drinking, overeating). So you focus on fixing what you believe is "wrong" thinking I'll lose the weight then I'll be happier, when my spouse changes I'll feel better, when my parents stop nagging me I'll be more content, when my children stop yelling then we'll have more joy in our family. Yes, these are based upon external situations, and more than likely will not lead to sustained changes.
Here are 6 ways to create lasting positive changes in the new year:
1. Self love-
You must honor and respect yourself enough to make whatever changes you desire a priority. When you act from a place of self-love you put your needs first, you lovingly set boundaries with others, and you are kind and gentle with yourself even when you don't make the changes you desire. When you act from a place of self-love you know that external changes will not make you more fulfilled, happier, sexier, peaceful. Rather, your self-love, appreciation, gratitude will help lead to change externally. You love others enough to know that what you desire may be different from what they desire, and that's Okay.
2. Clear goal-
Make it a simple goal, one you can achieve. Perhaps break it down into a short-term goal (over the next 30 days) and a long term-goal (over the next 3 months).
3. Take action-
Be realistic and ramp up slowly. If your family yells as a way of getting their needs met, it's pretty unrealistic to expect to not argue at all. Instead look to make small changes, such as, we will only argue 1 time a day, or next time I argue I will not say mean comments. Then increase the duration you'll go with out fighting and the intensity- do these small steps over the next 30 days and you'll see changes without feeling overwhelmed.
4. Learn new tools-
There is a belief in Choice Theory that our behaviors are meeting our basic needs and we will not make a change unless we substitute it with a new behavior that meets our needs. So you may want to find a new behavior that replaces the old behavior you are letting go of. If you are looking to make changes in your relationships then reading books, taking a class, or going to therapy will give you new tools to replace the old way of behaving. If you are making changes in your life-style find other ways to meet your needs (i.e. instead of retail therapy meet a friend for lunch).
5. Get support and accountability-
When you share with others your intentions you become accountable and this is often a way to sustain change over the next 30-days. So tell others whom you can trust to be supportive of your goals, and then tell them what kind of support you'd like. It's frustrating if your friend calls to give you a 'loving kick-in-the-pants' when all you really want is for them to ask you how you're doing. So ask for how you'd like to receive your support.
6. Be kind-
There will be good days and bad days. There will be times when you make small steps towards your goals, and times when you don't. Remember the first rule- LOVE. If you are critical, unloving, and disrespectful of the times when you don't follow through then really there is no point in trying to make changes, because what you really need to work on is your internal stuff, not external! So be kind, know that everyone who tries new things flubs up and it's all part of the learning process. You are not here to do things perfectly. You are here to do your best, to be kind and loving with yourself, and to be compassionate to others.
Want to use the art to affirm the changes you are making? Create a self love and support collage. Use words and images that are reminders of your goals and of being kind and gentle with yourself along the journey.
During this time of year many people need more support. Immediately access parenting resources to help children and teens you can download right now and use to help your child! You can lean more here. Posts Tagged ‘parenting’
Is this the year when things will finally be different?
December 28th, 2011Okay- you want to make some changes in the new year, and change is good indeed. Will this be the year that you make the changes stick? Will this year be the year it finally happens- you lose the weight, find your passion, quit the bad habit, have a peace filled family life, pay off the debt, connect with friends more often, be balanced at work and home, etc.
In my practice I've seen people make remarkable changes, often because they are in a place of pain and it hurts too much to keep doing the same thing. I've watched families that typically yell and use anger as a way to communicate shift to understanding and listening, I've seen sibling who act out to get their needs met learn how to ask for what they want, I've witnessed adults make leaps in expressing their feelings in an authentic self-honoring way.
There are may theories of change and motivation for change, yet beyond the theories I believe there is truly one simple way that people make and sustain change (see 1. below for the answer).
Most people come to therapy or decide "enough" and commit to making a change when things are really uncomfortable. I don't believe that you need to be in pain to make changes, but I feel like we are such creatures of habit that we are pretty likely to continue to do the same thing over and over, longing for different results and finally we become so uncomfortable with the incongruities of what we desire, that we seek change. Here's the interesting part, often when people come to therapy it is because they see someone else as the problem (i.e. my child acts out, my parents are frustrating me, my spouse is unreasonable). You may see the problem as being outside of you or a behavior that you do (drinking, overeating). So you focus on fixing what you believe is "wrong" thinking I'll lose the weight then I'll be happier, when my spouse changes I'll feel better, when my parents stop nagging me I'll be more content, when my children stop yelling then we'll have more joy in our family. Yes, these are based upon external situations, and more than likely will not lead to sustained changes.
Here are 6 ways to create lasting positive changes in the new year:
1. Self love-
You must honor and respect yourself enough to make whatever changes you desire a priority. When you act from a place of self-love you put your needs first, you lovingly set boundaries with others, and you are kind and gentle with yourself even when you don't make the changes you desire. When you act from a place of self-love you know that external changes will not make you more fulfilled, happier, sexier, peaceful. Rather, your self-love, appreciation, gratitude will help lead to change externally. You love others enough to know that what you desire may be different from what they desire, and that's Okay.
2. Clear goal-
Make it a simple goal, one you can achieve. Perhaps break it down into a short-term goal (over the next 30 days) and a long term-goal (over the next 3 months).
3. Take action-
Be realistic and ramp up slowly. If your family yells as a way of getting their needs met, it's pretty unrealistic to expect to not argue at all. Instead look to make small changes, such as, we will only argue 1 time a day, or next time I argue I will not say mean comments. Then increase the duration you'll go with out fighting and the intensity- do these small steps over the next 30 days and you'll see changes without feeling overwhelmed.
4. Learn new tools-
There is a belief in Choice Theory that our behaviors are meeting our basic needs and we will not make a change unless we substitute it with a new behavior that meets our needs. So you may want to find a new behavior that replaces the old behavior you are letting go of. If you are looking to make changes in your relationships then reading books, taking a class, or going to therapy will give you new tools to replace the old way of behaving. If you are making changes in your life-style find other ways to meet your needs (i.e. instead of retail therapy meet a friend for lunch).
5. Get support and accountability-
When you share with others your intentions you become accountable and this is often a way to sustain change over the next 30-days. So tell others whom you can trust to be supportive of your goals, and then tell them what kind of support you'd like. It's frustrating if your friend calls to give you a 'loving kick-in-the-pants' when all you really want is for them to ask you how you're doing. So ask for how you'd like to receive your support.
6. Be kind-
There will be good days and bad days. There will be times when you make small steps towards your goals, and times when you don't. Remember the first rule- LOVE. If you are critical, unloving, and disrespectful of the times when you don't follow through then really there is no point in trying to make changes, because what you really need to work on is your internal stuff, not external! So be kind, know that everyone who tries new things flubs up and it's all part of the learning process. You are not here to do things perfectly. You are here to do your best, to be kind and loving with yourself, and to be compassionate to others.
Want to use the art to affirm the changes you are making? Create a self love and support collage. Use words and images that are reminders of your goals and of being kind and gentle with yourself along the journey.
During this time of year many people need more support. Immediately access parenting resources to help children and teens you can download right now and use to help your child! You can lean more here. What Kind of Parent Are You and What to Do if Your Partner Doesn’t Parent Like You Do?
September 6th, 2011
Okay, if we are really, really honest with ourselves we realize that at some point in our adult lives we start to take on the characteristics of our parents in our relationships. You may begin to notice you are sounding like your mother or you’re acting like your father (the good, the bad, and the ugly). We are all influenced by our upbringing and experiences, and even if you vowed to yourself that you would never be like your parents you may find yourself acting in the extreme opposite way, still influenced by your upbringing. Egads!
Here’s the good news, you get to choose how you parent. Regardless of your upbringing or circumstances, you can consciously decide how you want to respond to your child’s behaviors.
Read more on how you can choose to be a parent that best helps your child grow into being a responsible and respectful adult without having to resort to acting like your parents.
Parenting camps believe there are three general parenting styles:
- Authoritarian Parenting: This style of parenting is “old-school” meaning the adult sets the rules and consequences, and the child is expected to obey these rules. This is a restrictive punitive parenting style without discussion and compromise, which may lead to physical punishment as a way for children to obey the rules. Children with Authoritarian parents may develop “earned helplessness”, may act aggressively to get their needs met, or may act out, shutdown or run away.
- Permissive or Indulgent Parenting: This style of parenting often leads to allowing children to do what they want with minimal consequences and expectations. These parents may be nurturing and accepting and are often hands-off and allow children to behave as they desire. Children with permissive or indulgent parents may develop spoiled behaviors and may engage in risk-taking behaviors.
- Authoritative or Democratic Parenting: This style of parenting encourages children to be independent and holds children accountable for their behaviors. Authoritative parents hold their children accountable, yet also are warm and nurturing and teach children how to solve their problem rather than rescuing or telling the child what to do. They encourage resourceful creative problem solving and prefer to teach children how to make positive decisions with corrective feedback and consequences when necessary. Children with Authoritative or Democratic parents tend are believe to have higher self-esteem and are better able to regulate their emotions and behaviors when they encounter problems.
“You can’t make me”: Secrets to getting your child to listen to you
June 30th, 2011
If you are a parent (or a stepparent) you have likely heard these words, “You can't make me” and your heart sinks because these words cut to the core, and leave you gasping for a sane response. So before you quickly jump to a response and potentially say something you may regret later, take a minute to compose yourself. These 5 secrets will help you respond calmly when you hear the words, “You can't make me.”
1. Breathe- Take a minute and breathe before you respond. Yes, you’ve heard this one before, but do you know why you should breathe before you respond? Children pick-up on your emotional state and mirror it via the phenomena of mirror neurons, meaning if they are agitated then you are likely to mirror their emotional response, which only amplifies their negative behavioral response and escalates a power struggle. Research suggests taking a deep breath allows you to increase the flow of oxygen to your brain, whereby you’ll approach the situation from a calm and rational place, rather than reactive response. Take a breath, before you respond and you’ll be much more calm and rational.
2. Diffuse the argument- These three words will immediately diffuse any disagreement, “You are right.” Now here’s what most parents and stepparents struggle with, they want to be right. Let’s admit it, we all desire to be “right”, and often this desire to be “right” is what provokes and sustains arguments. When you let your child know they are right this removes the power struggle from the conversation and more than likely your child will have a slightly shocked and perhaps even smug look on their face when you concede that you cannot make them do anything.
3. Communicate-Have a communication game plan in place with your spouse so you know exactly how you will handle problems when they arise, so you’re not stuck making up reactive rules in response to your child’s or stepchild’s behaviors. Take some time with your spouse and talk about how you will respond when a child in the household misbehaves. Come up with a clear consistent plan, such as telling the child know that there will be a consequence for their behaviors if they do not listen. You may even want to have a list of agreed upon consequences that you develop with your spouse prior to any argument. This way you can calmly share what the consequence will be if the child does not do what is requested.
4. Stop splitting- Create a clear and consistent plan on following through with consequences. When you let your child or stepchild calmly know that they are right, and you can’t make them doing anything, however if they do not do what is requested there will be a consequence your child may go running to your spouse to get their way. Some of the tactics children will use are whining, pouting, begging, demanding, or guilting to get their way. You need to send a clear message to your child that you and your spouse are on the same parenting page and you both are in agreement of how the situation will be handled. If your child comes to you complaining about your spouse validate that they may be upset, and then let them know you will speak with your spouse before you make a decision together.
5. Follow-through- Consequences that are relevant and meaningful to your child will help them make corrections to their behaviors, and this only works if you are consistent and follow through. As a child therapist I hear children tell me all the different ways their parents and stepparents punish them, and then do not follow through. Children come to see your consequences as meaningless and know they can eventually get their way. Make sure that consequences are realistic for you, so you and your spouse are able to follow through.
It’s never easy hearing the words, “You can’t make me”. Equip yourself with patience, a sense of humor, lots of love and compassion and these 5 insider therapy strategies and you’ll find it easier to respond to the statement, “You can't make me.”
Information about an on line psychology degree is available for people who are interested in learning more about children's behavior. The more we know, the more we can help ourselves and our kids.
Are you in need of more support to help your family communicate? We can help! Click here to schedule your Complimentary Support Consultation and learn how to best help your child. 
